5 Things I'm Doing Now, Before Trying to Conceive
As someone who will most likely attend over 150 births as a doula and photographer before growing my own family, I am taking a lot of notes. I have learned, and will undoubtedly continue to learn so much from each and every family I have the honor to work alongside. Now this is not to say birth and parenthood will be a breeze for me or any other individual with a certain set of training or experiences – if there is one thing I’ve learned after the five years of being in this field, it is that we will all rumble through the days, years, phases, late nights, and cold cups of coffee all the same - just doing the best we can. That said, I have a few things I’m doing now, in the very early stages of family planning, to stack the cards in my favor as much as possible.
1. Get a therapist.
I am making this step 1, though I fully admit that this is the last step I made. Now, I am the biggest proponent of those cliché sayings like, “you can’t pour from an empty cup,” and the analogy of “putting on your oxygen mask before assisting others” when I’m working with families. Jada Pinkett Smith has this beautiful clip on parenthood during one of their Red Table Talks that lays out these clichés in a much more real tone (please note there is mother-specific language, I will ask us to apply this to all caregivers and parents alike).
It’s so genuinely true! Think about where you first learned what it means to be a parent, what to do when an ER visit is in need, or when a disagreement is taking place. We learn from the other people around us growing up, whether they were present for these moments or not. And when new parents are running on minimal amounts of sleep, and feeling a depletion in confidence around the many firsts and new phases of parenthood, we slide right back into the ways we were parented and cared for and disagreed with. My two most favorite places to start: Daniel Siegel’s Parenting From the Inside Out and Psychology Today’s Therapist Finder. And, yes, this buzzword is over-used, but really make a list of self-care that is right for you. If it’s not therapy, what else can help you reflect, let go, get relaxed, and make more mindful decisions for your family?
2. Get on the same page.
This next step is for folks who will be co-parenting with a partner, a spouse, a parent, or any other human. I am planning to parent alongside my husband, who has had a very different upbringing than myself. Just as important as it is to unpack the ways we were parented and dive into our own emotional intelligence homework, we need to ask this of our parenting partners, and then find a happy medium?! That’s a lot of work that is truly a lifelong endeavor, there is no perfect or feeling of enough-ness in this category. But we can start by getting on the same page. My favorite places to start: Everything by the Gottman Institute, their research, their book And Baby Makes Three, their app, and this super stellar podcast with John Gottman (and Dax Shepard) are all amazing resources for getting through life with another human by your side.
Locally, we have The Marriage Geek, Maureen Campion, who puts on amazing workshops for parents, and meets with folks privately as a psychologist, marriage counselor, and relationship expert (also the author of Heal Your Birth Story). Community Education Centers are also a great place to check out family/relationship workshop events! Whether you’re local or not, you can always use the therapist finder above for any individual, couple, marriage, or really any other kind of therapy. Go therapy! Better yet, ask your doula for some recommendations! (I also get that we live in a country where insurance is a serious privilege, and it often only covers so much when it is accessible, so definitely click on those little rust-colored links above.)
3. Get to know my body.
How many days is my cycle? How long and when do I ovulate? How is a baby actually made? What vitamins should I be taking? Should I take folate or folic acid? I wasn’t taught any of this stuff in 5th grade, or 8th grade, or really, ever. And as anyone who has stepped into the world of fertility can tell you, there is a lot to learn. However, what I was most surprised to learn is that this information goes far beyond fertility. Our cycles can tell us a lot about our overall health. For folks with a uterus and vulva, my favorite places to start: Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, Lisa Hendrickson-Jack’s Fertility Friday Podcast and recently released book, The Fifth Vital Sign, among the classic Taking Charge of Your Fertility. For Queer and Single Parents by Choice, I invite you to look into the Queer Birth Project’s Insemination 101 class!
4. Get to know my body 2.0.
I’m here to talk to you about the pelvic floor. And not the classic “kegels, kegels, kegels” pitch either. What I’m seeing in a lot of births are pelvic floors that are tense and tight, and in some cases too tight. Whether from emotional and/or physical trauma, from too many kegels, or a lifestyle of being in one constant stress-kegel, I’m seeing it a lot and I’m experiencing it myself. And so I return back to step 1, and then tune into what’s happening physiologically. The first person who put words to what I was seeing and experiencing was Karin Twigg, a local Pilates instructor and mom who was holding a workshop at Blooma.
For folks who are not local to the Twin Cities, my favorite places to start online: Lindsay McCoy and Lauren Ohayon’s One Strong Mama and Restore Your Core Programs, and of course the Mutu System. Then if it’s in the budget, go find out if you can access a really great physical therapist that specializes in pelvic floor health before and after birth. It’s nice to have these professionals on-hand before you need them. Ultimately, we want to bring balance to the body, and in birth we often turn to Spinning Babies for that. I really don’t think you need a pregnant body in order to do their Daily Activities or learn their Techniques.
5. Find the provider for YOU.
I recognize some of us have had an OB-GYN or Midwife or Family Practice provider for years, and for some, their whole life! Others of us have been mobile from city to city and constantly bouncing around from a Planned Parenthood to the closest-clinic-that-works-with-our-insurance. Whatever side of the spectrum you fall on, I invite you to start shopping around. We have a lot of options in the Twin Cities, so much so that it can be overwhelming. My biggest pieces of advice are A) get clear on your values (How do you want to feel when you walk-in, and especially during an office visit? What does consent look like during a visit? Do you want time to talk about alternative options, benefits, and risks?), and B) find a provider who aligns with those values. It’s good to think about your values now, but also look ahead and think about where and with whom you might want to birth with someday. We like to say, a key piece to having an empowered and positive birth experience, is choosing the right provider for you (not your default, or your colleague’s recommendation, or the closest clinic). My favorite places to start:
Cue a quick eye roll, as the following article very blatantly omits any other provider option outside of OB-GYNs, but much of this can apply to Midwifery and Family Practice Doctors as well. The main point is to ask lots of questions! Here is a list to get you started on picking who. And Birth Matters Midwifery’s comparison chart has you covered for deciding where. As for how to talk to your doctor and good questions to ask about your cycle, health, and fertility, check out Lara Briden’s Period Repair Manual!
All this said, this is simply a list of things I am doing to prepare my mind and body for the birth I hope to have one day. Gather Birth Cooperative doulas and photographers are here to walk alongside you wherever you are at, whether it be fertility, pregnancy, surrogacy, or all the parenting and care these little ones require from us after they join our families. If you need help finding a provider that meets your needs, schedule a Birth Planning Session with us: a customized meeting with one of our doulas that goes far beyond the basics of who, what, and where. As a bonus for our doula clients, this session is embedded in all of our birth packages.
