On Learning Self Care as a Parent

Author: co-founder Gina

Self care can be hard. It's hard for everyone, because many of us have a tendency to be people pleasers. As a parent it can be even more challenging. We have little people relying on us for their survival, emotional nurturing, and growth. With good reason, that often feels like top priority. 

Parents frequently find themselves giving and giving and giving until there is nothing left, but we still are required to give more. How do you break the cycle of prioritizing other peoples’ needs, even your kids’, over your own?

Finding balance for yourself, especially as a new parent, can be incredibly difficult. This is something I struggled with myself, and it’s something I keep working to improve. As one of the parents on the Gather Birth team, I’m happy to share how I’ve made self care a priority for myself as I also care for my family through the seasons here in St. Paul, MN.

Start by letting go

Guilt can stand in the way of our ability to really give ourselves the time and care we need to thrive. Not only can we harbor the guilt of needing time to ourselves, we hold tight to guilt over any time our attention is split between priorities: our own work, managing in-person or distance learning, attention between multiple children, or time to share with your partner.

When we have other people who rely on us, it's really easy to justify putting their needs above our own. It’s all too easy for many parents, especially those who handle most of the emotional labor in their home (housework, leading parenting etc.). If we keep up this balancing act without devoting time to ourselves, we’re bound to crash. Sooner or later, you'll find yourself sluggish, overwhelmed, in the same yoga pants you've worn for the last four days, and not wanting to get out of bed. 

So the first step is to let go of the guilt. You are not a selfish person for needing to take time to meet your needs. You're a smart person who is not only benefitting yourself, but others as well. This is admittedly much easier said than done.

The strategy that worked for me was to make a list of all of the responsibilities I juggled on a regular basis. When it was all on paper, I was able to see I would never be able to realistically give all of myself evenly to each need, and that was without factoring myself in! This allowed me to take a deep breath and realize that I’ll always be giving a little less in one area, but that’s OK. If I’m not giving myself time to recharge, I’ll be giving even less among all of the responsibilities that needed my attention. By putting myself first, it allowed me more time and space to be a better business owner, parent, partner, and friend.  

Thinking small can have a big impact

What small things can you build into your day that will have a huge impact on your mood and sense of well being? 

For me, it's getting small doses of uninterrupted time at least once a day. Sometimes it’s coffee in the morning. That half hour of time is just what I need to mentally prepare myself, refresh, and start the day on the right foot. Or maybe it’s 15 uninterrupted minutes to scroll my phone. Your self care doesn’t have to be glamorous, but it does need to happen each day.

Most people equate self care to things like manicures, yoga retreats, etc. You don't need to set aside time for a spa trip every week, but by all means, do that if it feels right! Be careful not to equate meeting your basic needs with self care. It is not self care to take a shower by yourself; that should be your right as a human being. Think a little bigger.

Find those little nuggets of time for self care. Whether it's waiting until the kids go to sleep or having your partner wrangle them, give yourself that uninterrupted time. The little acts of love for yourself build up over time, just like they do when you share them with others. 

Get On The Same Page

Make sure everyone in your life is aware you're making self care a priority, especially your family. Though it should be a given to take time for yourself, it’s not always that obvious a necessity. Communication with your partner and children helps them understand why taking time for yourself is important.

Let your partner know you'll need to start building these moments in and why it's important to you. Ask for their help when you need that half hour or Monday night off. Over-communicate your needs.

Try and get your kids on board too. It may not make much sense to them, but you're also modeling an important message: taking care of yourself is a big deal and it's okay! You can try and set a different example for them, hopefully breaking the self care/guilt cycle!

These conversations will vary greatly depending upon your relationship with your partner, if you have a partner to help you, how old your children are, and more.

Be Kind to Yourself

You're not going to get it perfect right away. Often times prioritizing self care is a small habit that takes breaking a lifetime of reccuring habits that stand in the way. 

​Just remember, you're a better person, a happier person, and a hell of a lot more fun to be around when you feel refreshed and fulfilled.