Born at Roots Community Birth Center in Minneapolis, Minnesota | A Preview of a Resilient Birth in Photographs
The birth of Cassius was not how I expected to feel mentally in labor, nor what I expected to experience physically. I experienced grief during my labor and trauma immediately postpartum. Even though I rationally know all births are unique, I think I was hopeful this last intended birth would feel as euphoric and empowering as my previous birth with Atticus.
Overall, it was still a really “good” birth- though, it feels weird giving it a “good” or “bad” label. I definitely wouldn’t classify it as “bad”, so it must be “good”, right? Maybe a more accurate way to describe my birth would be to say it was a birth of resilience. I feel incredibly grateful for the resilience of my body throughout my birth and postpartum.
My favorite memorable little bits of labor at home:
When I told Winnie that I was having contractions and that we will likely meet our baby today, he LIT UP. He was so excited and wanted everything to happen quickly. Atticus was also excited and wanted to do all the helpful things of bringing stuff out to the car, etc.
Before we left for the birth center, I asked Winnie if he was a little bummed that he would miss his soccer game. He immediately responded, “No, it’s way more exciting to meet our baby!”
Mentally, as labor progressed and things felt more and more real, I felt an overwhelming grief as each contraction brought me closer to my baby. People that know me well, know that I genuinely love being pregnant. Not because my pregnancies are effortless and uncomplicated for my body but because of how connected I feel to myself and my family. With each pregnancy I have felt so intentional and purposeful. It’s a feeling unlike any other and I treasure it completely. So much so, that I was confronted with the fact that the birth of this baby also meant the end of this pregnancy. The end of my last pregnancy.
We all met at the birth center around 5pm. It was only another 2.5 hours til I officially met my baby. It honestly felt longer in my head- I felt like my grief was mentally inhibiting my birth process. I remember at one point asking for some privacy (just Nicholas and Winnie stayed in the room with me). I verbalized all the thoughts circling in my head. I didn’t feel like my body was able to fully surrender like it had with Atticus’s birth. I tried to do similar visualizations as I did with his birth, but my mind disrupted those quickly and it felt like my body was gripping my baby tighter. I felt sad and frustrated in the moment, because I knew how good it felt to feel my mind and body in sync for birth. I repeated to myself “I can let my baby go”, “I can let this pregnancy go”. In a way, I wasn’t surrendering to this birth feeling differently. I was resistant to feeling grief during my labor. Even though I know I can’t control the grief I feel about this big transition- it just is. I’m still trying to remind myself that grief isn’t bad, it just signifies how important something/someone is.
Some memories I loved about this birth:
All of the incredible people present for his birth. (my husband and older children, my sister Brooke, beloved friend Tasha, my friends/business partners Brooke, Emily, Gina, and the staff at Roots- especially my midwife and friend Rachel).
I loved the way Winnie supported me during this birth. I really had no expectations other than I wanted him to be involved however he felt was right for him. He did not want to be apart from me. He didn’t need to be close or touching me- he just wanted to be there, through the emotional and physical challenges I was navigating. That meant the world to me.
I let people touch me! haha. (With Atticus’s birth especially, I wanted very minimal and infrequent physical touch from even my husband). With this birth, I really relied on Nicholas’s body to support mine through each contraction. My sister and Tasha took turns stroking my back. Rachel held her hand on my foot in between a few contractions- it felt so grounding and loving. Even my business partners got to flex their doula selves with their touch and care. I felt physically and emotionally so well cared for.
I loved feeling supported in Nicholas’s arms on the birth stool to push Cassius into this world. We both felt so connected to each other the entire time, and when I remind myself of that feeling, I truly do feel love towards this birth. Grief, trauma, and love. All coexisting.
In the moments right before the final contraction and push, my precious baby decided to claw his little fingers as he was exiting my body. My thoughts were a mix of horrified and “ABSOLUTELY NOT”- a crowning baby is already an intense feeling, no need to add tiny little claws. Thankfully, I pushed him out immediately after.
I remember feeling immediate relief with my baby’s wet, warm body on my chest. Finally done with my most emotionally challenging and frustrating birth. “So glad I never have to do that again,” I repeated multiple times.
The traumatic part of his birth came immediately postpartum. I bled way too much and needed lots of interventions. Rachel (my midwife) stayed confidently calm, yet direct about what the next steps were to keep me and baby safe. She communicated every step of the way. I felt so involved and informed in my care. This was a huge protective factor in how the trauma impacted me in the moment and days since.
I was so lovingly held and supported the entire time by people that are so very dear to me. I am forever grateful.
xo, Britt
Photos by Emily + Brooke | Film by Gina | Gather Birth Cooperative
