Mindfulness and Meditation for Current, Expecting, and Hopeful Parents
It took many years of toxic productivity and burnout to get to where I, Gina, am now, which is a dedicated practice of sitting (maybe not always in silence) and doing absolutely nothing, for at least fifteen minutes each day. My mindfulness practice has supported my own mental health throughout this pregnancy during a global pandemic; it’s helped me be a better mom to my firstborn, prepare for my birth, and work in partnership with my husband to find an approach that works for the whole family.
It all started as I noticed myself getting more stressed with each passing day; quicker to anger, completely overwhelmed, with cloudy thought processes and a straight-up bummer of a self-narrative as I worked to process it all. It was getting to a point where I was so hard on myself, no matter how big or small the parenting woe in front of me was. And this only increased as the pandemic hit. Collectively we’ve had to navigate so many new changes over the last year, including an astronomical leveling up of parental responsibilities. Stress and anxiety are more than easy to come by, to say the least. Meditation and mindfulness isn’t a blanket solution for everything, but it is a tool I’ve found helpful in my day-to-day happenings, and one you might be able to add to any approach you’re taking for your own mental health.
Carving out a little time each day made it easier for me to reconnect with myself, to think about all that I am grateful for, and get the much-needed “me time” I was craving. On the days I’m able to sit in meditation, I notice it takes a lot more to grind my gears as a parent. I have more energy throughout the day and my choices and responses as a parent are filled with increased intentionality. I can literally feel the clouds start to part, and my sense of creativity flourishes when I commit to a daily practice of mindfulness.
Even more compelling is the understanding of just how important it is to have a regulated nervous system (AKA not being in a constant state of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn) when life undoubtedly hands you an endless supply of lemons. Mindfulness is an important tool for those trying to conceive for this very reason. There are hormones at play throughout menstruation and ovulation that require a welcoming environment for conception to occur and pregnancy to be maintained. That said, “just relax” is certainly not a cure for infertility. Regulating your nervous system is simply an addition to complement cycle tracking or treatments.
Mindfulness certainly has uses in pregnancy, and pregnancy creates a 9-month time capsule to start or strengthen one’s meditation practice before birth. The same hormones present during conception and pregnancy are then put into overdrive during the birthing process. Regulating the nervous system with mindfulness can help these hormones to cycle more freely, which has a part in allowing your body to do what it can to invite your baby into the world as smoothly as possible. Check out our blog posts on Using Hypnosis for Birth and how contractions work for more on finding your calm during labor.
Understanding how to regulate yourself in times of stress can help you be your best self, and in turn, model consistent behavior for your current or future children who are in a constant flux of dysregulation and equilibrium. Parents of newborns, toddlers, and threenagers can tap into this practice of mindfulness when navigating the many bumps in their child’s sleep and development. It’s important to know that babies are unable to regulate their own stress (and won’t be able to until they are at least 2-years-old), so they require the support of a regulated adult. This means that when your little one wakes at night, they’re looking to their caregiver to gently meet their needs and eventually move toward co-regulation (AKA working together to find the calm!). Nothing sets off a parent’s stress bells more than a fussy baby in the middle of the night. Similarly, nothing sets off a child’s stress bells than a stressed-out parent! It can be a really frustrating cycle of tears from everyone. However, if you have tools to regulate this stress before you tend to your child, you’ll be much more successful, and everyone can get back to sleep faster and smoother than ever.
So! Where to start? Here are some tips on how I started my mindfulness practice.
Make it a routine.
You’ve got to commit. Set an alarm, write it on the family calendar, get your partner to remind you, whatever works for you so that you can aside 15 minutes of your day, every day, to practice your mindfulness. This could be in the form of meditation, journaling, or quietly focusing on a simple task like drinking your coffee or knitting. Whatever it is you’re doing, make sure it is the only thing that has your attention.
If you’re choosing to meditate, it’s even more important to make this an everyday practice. Evidence shows us that a daily meditation practice helps us create new neural pathways, leading to more patience, focus, and overall happiness. But to reroute the already present, well-worn pathways in your brain, it takes consistent and regular practice. The good news is even 10 to 15 minutes a day can have the impact you’re looking for.
In order to actually set this routine, you’ll need to get the rest of your family on board. Let your partner and children know that during that small window of time each day, you cannot be disturbed or interrupted. Not only will this ensure the time you need, but it will encourage accountability. It’s proven that when you tell others about your goals, you’re more likely to stick to working towards them. For myself, I use meditation as my act of mindfulness. It’s part of our family routine for me to take 15 minutes in the morning to have my practice. My husband and I have set our schedules around making this time a priority.
Use helpful resources.
Starting a mindfulness practice from scratch can be pretty daunting. There are numerous books, podcasts, tools, and resources to help you find your way. I started diving into mindfulness after reading the book “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance” by Robert Pirsig. No, I don’t have a motorcycle. The book is actually all about focusing on the one task you’re doing as a form of meditation and mindfulness.
There are numerous podcasts to help you get started with mindfulness. I really love Happiness with Gretchen Rubin, who is also the author of the book “The Happiness Project.” Another great podcast is The Mindful Kind by Rachel Kabel.
If you’re looking to start a meditation practice, I recommend beginning with a guided meditation. We often think meditation means we need to completely clear our minds, but a guided beginner’s practice helps us learn it’s the complete opposite. Instead of working to think nothing, meditation and mindfulness are about accepting what you’re thinking and feeling in this very moment. From there, you’ll learn to accept those things that are on your mind, acknowledge they are temporary, and calmly await what’s next.
There are so many more mindfulness and meditation apps available now compared to when I first started my practice. Personally, I love the Calm app. There are hundreds of guided meditations across numerous themes. Once you complete a beginner’s series, a new series on anxiety, focus, self-kindness, or forgiveness awaits, plus so many more. Bonus: you can meditate to Harry Styles’ sexy voice. Other wonderful apps include Headspace or Just Breathe. Expectful is another wonderful mindfulness and meditation app made specifically for expecting parents.
Be kind to yourself.
Mindfulness is not about being perfect. It’s about embracing the imperfection in each moment. It’s about dedicating time to yourself and growing in a practice that benefits your mental, emotional, and physical health as well as your whole family’s wellbeing. It’s about building a relationship with yourself, so you can strengthen your relationship with your partner and the bond with your baby.
Maybe you start now. Sit up tall, and close your eyes. Let any thoughts cross your mind, like clouds drifting by. And slowly bring your attention to your inhale and exhale. Maybe assign a word or intention to the breath: inhale (contentment), exhale (release). The mind will wander, so simply try again and come back to your breath. Even if you feel that day’s mindfulness practice was a hot mess, find that little piece of gratitude in your heart for showing up and taking time for YOU.